A Response to Emily Ong: EMBRACE LOVE IN ALL FORMS
Dear Emily Ong,
What a wonderfully written review of what you gained, regarding understanding the LGBTQ community, from the ADI conference in Krakow. Your open heartedness is a true example of what is needed across this beautiful planet of ours. We need people willing to simply listen to the needs and challenges of those who are different or have unique perspectives in facing a dementia diagnosis.
Many are getting to know me as Brother John-Richard. I wear a gold band on my left hand to represent my commitment to my faith. Some assume that as a spiritual being and a monastic Brother, I am celibate. Others see the ring and assume I am married. But I am a gay Hispanic man living with a dementia diagnosis that I was given in my late forties. (Too early!) I am single, but don’t want to be. And I worry about things that many do not have to worry about, like who to have for a care partner if I do not have children or spouse, and will I have to return to “the closet” one day, or go back into hiding, to receive long-term care with dignity and respect.
Fortunately for me, and one correction I would personally make to your article, I have my parents who support me. Many LGBTQ do not have familial support, as you have learned, but many do. I am one of the lucky ones. My father does not agree with much regarding the LGBTQ community, and thinks I made a “choice” to be gay. But he loves his son. My mother knows that this is who I was born to be and loves me exactly as I am. I needed a care partner, and I was fortunate to get two. But, being my parents, they are more than 20 years older than I. They two have issues with aging and issues with brain health. I worry that there will come a time soon when they can no longer be there. What will I do about my own long-term care plan?
Long-term care planning is a challenge for me. My sister and brother are only so accepting of who and what I am. Catholic upbringing and a moral compass built on more conservative values make it a bit more challenging for them to be comfortable with the life I have; and so, they have both rejected the idea of taking me in if anything happens to my parents.
I am also a veteran. I served in the US Navy in the 1980s. But it was a time when being a member of the LGBTQ community was risky; and being removed from service, sometimes honorably and sometimes dishonorably, happened often. I was removed from the Navy in 1986, after only 18 months, for being “curious about my sexuality”. Fortunately, I received an honorable discharge and have since fought to get my benefits, which include long-term care, but going to a Veteran run long-term care facility scares me. Would I have to go back into denial of who and what I am? I don’t want to have to do that. And, in many ways, I am the lucky one.
For many in the trans community, the thought of having to return to the “closet” is impossible or difficult at best. When biological sex at birth, is different from how one identifies, which of these will long-term care facilities favor? Will they be allies or will they be adversarial? Will they understand the difficulties that can happen when memory causes a person to wake one day and think they are one gender but see a different gender staring back at them in the mirror? Scary questions. Add to that the possibility of going into a veteran run facility, which has on record that you served in the military as Jack, but you now identify as Jackie… You can see the challenges.
I live in the United States, so I know that in many ways, I have an advantage in the area of dementia care. But I recognize the need for improving resources for those living in different sub-communities such as those who identify as LGBTQ. And I also acknowledge how much better I have it, compared to my LGBTQ family in other parts of the world where it is illegal to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. People are killed, imprisoned, shunned or shut out of the rest of society. I am thankful for what I have and pray for better for those elsewhere.
But educating people around the world about these challenges can change the world. I believe this. And it starts with one person, listening, learning, and being open hearted enough to take it all in. So, again, I say thank you. I know that your voice will be loud, and it will continue to grow awareness of the many challenges we still have yet to face as a larger community. Do not stop sharing…
With genuine appreciation,
Brother John-Richard
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